All Write, Already!

Ok, people. Show of hands: How many of you have been to Sodomy City?

Uh, I think a few of you have been there, but just don't realize it. Not your fault; it's just that your memories have been rewritten. Let me explain from the beginning.

I must have been about 14 when my mom took me into a used book store, and somehow my eyes found their way to this dusty old atlas. Something about it, I don't know, but I could hardly pull my eyes away from it, and after the proper amount of begging and pleading, I was able to get my mother to fork over the $8 that along with the $16 in my pocket, would allow me to bring that volume home.

I loved that book, spent most every free hour looking at it, wallowing in the intricacies of our planet. Until one day, tragedy. I dropped a thick black magic marker on the map of Arizona, permanently obscuring the last five letters of the name of the town Whyficus. A few days later in the library, I was looking at a map there, and noticed that that Arizona town was listed as "Why." Another atlas, same thing.

Had I changed the world? One night after a few beers, I changed Wooster, Massachusetts in my atlas to Worcester. Then I changed Ford, Wales to Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch. I switched two letters in the name of the town next to mine, and soon as I did it, everyone I knew claimed it had always been spelled that way.

Fast forward a few years, when I got an unfair speeding ticket from a lying cop in Philadelphia. I decided to take my revenge in spades. When I got home, Philadelphia was now, and always had been Sodomy City, appropriately enough, the eternal butt of jokes, even more than it had been.

At this point, you're probably doubting my credibility. You're probably wondering why it isn't Sodomy City, and why it has never been. It's simple. A few years later, after my anger settled down, I went to the mayor and made him an offer. I told him I could retroactively change the name of his town, and would be willing to do so for, oh, $3 million, give or take a nickel. The mayor, being an intelligent man of reason, of course didn't believe me. But I was able to convince him of a way to pay me without fear of being ripped off. He would put the money, and I would add $5000 collateral, into an escrow account, payable three days hence to me "if this city is not, and never has been named Sodomy City," and to the city otherwise. I went home, took out the atlas and my eraser, and three days later was a rich man.

Since then, I have effectively extorted enough money from dozens of municipalities to live quite comfortably, thank you! But just in case you think this is all out of avarice, and there is no altruistic motive, do you remember the ebola epidemic of '03 that wiped out over 60 million people? Probably not. I erased that little town in Cameroon where it originated. You can thank me later. But now I feel like skiing. Hang on while I draw a mountain west of here ...