All Write, Already!

God, what an idiotic topic. I could have come up with a better topic WHILE I was asleep, how's that for touching on today's "theme"? How about maybe coming up with a little edgier topic next time, like maybe "happiness" or "puppy dogs" or something. Then we could get down to the real nitty-gritty: How is YOUR happiness affected by puppy-dogs?! WE WANT TO KNOW!

Right, then. After reading a book on sleep, and how to fix your horrible sleeping patterns (which, let's face it, you have horrible sleeping patterns), I've finally been able to pinpoint that most elusive moment of human existence, and do it consciously. It's called the moments right before you fall asleep. It's been an age-old quest of mind to be able to be awake, and yet, still understand that "I'm now going to sleep". Maybe everyone knew how to do this. Maybe everyone didn't. All I know is, I didn't, and now I do. It has to do with... drea-- wait. It has to do with...

Spooky string music, building to a dramatic crescendo...

Dreeeeaaaams. <-- done in really loud, booming, and most of all manly voice.

Why do we dream? Well, for the uninitiated, I'll tell you. That little glob of goo at the back of your head, the medu.. the obliga.. the whatever it is, it gets very BORED while you sleep. So it just sits there, firing off random impulses, like a petulant, extremely complicated and scientifically impenetrable child. And your brain is like: "Wh--- wha??" Your brain don't know what the hell's going on. It's just getting these random impulses, and frantically trying to sort them out into SOME sort of order... "Ice cream cones! Naked women! Nuclear weapons! The second and third toes of my right foot! GOT IT!" Right? So, that's why dreams end up making even less sense than your waking life, which is stupid enough to begin with.

Here's the thing, though. Your whatever it is starts doing this BEFORE you are actually unconscious. That's why there's that weird little period of time before you drift off for good where, if you leave the TV on, the people on the show start coming into your mind and fixing baloney sandwiches or mowing the King of England's lawn or some crazy shit, and you can still hear the TV, but it's all like, "whaaa?"

Ah, crap. I forgot, Jess is a stickler for the English language. Let me rephrase: It is to being all like, "whaaa?" There.

So, if you can learn to pinpoint the first moment where you have one of those ridiculous, idiotic thoughts involving baloney sandwiches, you will have identified that this is right before you're about to fall asleep. Once you do it once, it will become a fun pastime for you, and the great thing is, you don't have to worry about "overthinking it", like, if you're conscious that you're going to fall asleep, you might not. Because you still will! Trust me! I've practiced this! I have very little else to do! I've pinpointed that moment, and tried to overthink it, and still couldn't! "It's flawless!" - S. Kinison. See, I've done all the hard work, and am here now to pass the savings onto you.

You... you four people out there. Who, some of them haven't been pulling their weight around here, and it's only two days old, but I won't get into that quite yet.