All Write, Already!

Dear Diary,

They're at it again. The little bastards are at it again. Dr. Belker keeps telling me that they don't exist, but they do... and this time I am going to get the proof!

I found their entry point. It's a hole in the baseboard behind the fridge. At first when I found it, I was going to spackle that mother up, but then I realized that this was my chance to show them all. If I can catch one of those little fuckers and put it in a jar, I can slam that jar down on Dr. Belker's desk and make him eat his words. Then I'll march on over to the legal aid office and file a suit against that quack. I'll sue him for malpractice. Then, when I win that one, I'll finally have something to point to in my own defense, and I can sue the plant for wrongful termination, and then I'll sue that jackass parole officer for defamation of character, and I'll sue the state for wrongful prosecution, and I'll sue my ex-husband for putting batteries up my ass while I was sleeping, too.

But, first things first. I am writing all of this down so I can start keeping track of events for later reference. These are the items that have been stolen:

one pair of reading glasses
one pair of pinking shears
seven unmatched socks
one pair of capri pants
one strawberry-banana yogurt
ten legal-size envelopes
a button from my yellow shirt

About the yogurt - it was returned. It was stolen, and left out of the refrigerator, and then returned about a day later. I didn't notice that it had been stolen until I tasted the first spoonful. Then I knew what had happened.

About the capris - the theft of my pants was thwarted by the fact that, even folded, they are too unwieldy for the little bastards to handle. How they thought they were going to get those pants through that little hole in the wall is anyone's guess, anyway. In any event, I must have startled them, or they must have given up when they realized they couldn't take them, because I found the pants lying on the floor near the kitchen. I know for a fact that I put them on top of the dresser that is at least three feet away from the place on the floor where I found them, and the pants didn't just grow feet and walk over there.

About the envelopes - When I bought the box, there were 30 envelopes. I have only written twelve letters to the New York Times this month, and now there are only eight envelopes left. Ten of the envelopes were stolen.

The one thing that I can't figure out is what they want with the items collected. I don't for a moment believe that there is not a plan. They're not doing it just to confuse me. To believe that would be crazy and paranoid, and I am neither of those things.

My plan is to go down into my fallout shelter and construct a trap to catch one of those wall-dwelling creatures while I listen to Art Bell. Then I'll set it up tonight. If all goes well, I'll begin my crusade to clear my good name by 9:00 AM tomorrow!

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Day three of the second phase. Commanding officer Grelp reporting.

Items collected: the lens, the jagged blade, and the disc. Remaining to be collected: the coil, the dowel, and the anvil. Tactics for diversion of suspicion have been employed.

At this time, I would like to bring up some misgivings that I have. The host subject has been exhibiting far more astuteness than the test data suggested she would. The host's tendency toward suspension of disbelief is far lower than that of the test subjects.The possibility exists that the force has been detected at some point, though the host subject has not indicated awareness. I realize that a gut feeling is not sufficient reason to postpone the mission, but I would be remiss if I did not bring my concerns to your attention.

Should you decide to postpone the mission, my proposed remedy for the probable detection is to eliminate the host. My suggested strategy for the removal of the host is quite simple. There is a poorly ventilated room in the sublevel of this structure in which the host frequently spends time. Small modifications can be made to make the room entirely airtight, and death by suffocation should ensue within a brief time. Studies have shown that death by suffocation is one of the more pleasant means of expiration for one of the host's species, as a moment of euphoria is experienced, and humans spend quite a large measure of time throughout their lives seeking euphoria.

I await your orders. My force is prepared to either proceed with the planned mission, or to employ my proposed strategy as soon as we hear from you.

Grelp out.