All Write, Already!

New York, NY (Reuters) — In a press conference at St. Patrick's Cathedral, the Archangel Gabriel announced yesterday that the Lord God has filed suit against Hezekiah Wellington I for injunctive relief and unspecified damages.

"This move was primarily made in an effort to block Wellington I's lawsuit against Wellington III and DuLac," Gabriel said in a prepared statement.

Wellington I caused great public outcry two weeks ago when he sued his grandson, Hezekiah Wellington III, for genetic copyright infringement.

"It's a damn dishonor to our family name and to the Holy Catholic Church," Wellington I announced after filing his suit, in reference to his grandson and his girlfriend, Tiffany DuLac, giving birth out of wedlock. "I can't sue them for that, but I can sue them for copying my genetic code without my express permission."

Wellington I maintains that he owns sole copyright over his own genes. "My father, William Preston Wellington IV, last of my family line except for myself, passed away five years ago," he stated when originally filing his lawsuit. "At the time of his death, my family's genetic copyright has reverted in full to me."

In numerous statements before the media since his original filing, Wellington I has referred to his grandson's unwed childbirth as "genetic piracy".

In yesterday's announcement, Gabriel stated that Wellington I's legal theory is not only invalid, but damaging to God's reputation.

"In Genesis 1:28, God said unto Adam and Eve, 'Be fruitful and multiply,'" Gabriel said. "That decree has carried on through the ages. Under current copyright law, all procreation must therefore be considered a 'work for hire', meaning that God owns the copyright on all human genetic material. To claim otherwise is blasphemy against our Lord, hence the decision to seek punitive damages."

Wellington I could not be reached for comment.