Friday, June 23, 2006
Guilty Pleasures (A Fairly Comprehensive List)
I'm not feeling very hip and author-y right now, so I will simply regale you with a list of the pleasures I indulge in somewhat guiltily:

  • The Hardee's Monster Burger. Dear gods, did ~75,000 calories ever taste this good? There's something about biting into one of these things that hits that little spot in the hindbrain that never evolved from a stalking predator and tickles it until it sprays mayonnaise all over the back of your throat. I may have taken that a little too far, but it's true. Also, 4 out of 5 doctors recommend this burger to patients with atherosclerosis!
  • Pornography. I'll gleefully admit that I download pornosmut from the Intertron, but I sometimes feel ashamed to admit that at one time I had 37 GB of lovingly indexed non-professional pornography straight from alt.binaries.nospam.amateur.female and alt.binaries.fetish.mexican.amputees.on.motorcycles.eating.ice.cream.yum.yum.yum.
  • Farting. This is more than a little embarassing, but there is a solemn pride to be had in the ability to change the pressure in your office and make your co-workers flee for the door, faces twisted in agony and bile rising in their throats. Use your power wisely, Superman.
  • Q-Tipping. I'm only ashamed about this because I love it so. fucking. much. Some people will be reading this and nodding their heads, saying, "Damn right! That's a hell of a good feeling when you have clean ear canals!" The rest of you (okay, probably everybody on this planet but me) are saying, "You total retard."
  • (Very) Mild Voyeurism. My upstairs neighbor occasionally takes matters into her own hands during the day. If I happen to be working from home and she does so, I'll go sit in the bedroom and listen. I don't have to be "firing off some knuckle children" at the same time; it's enough to know that I'm doing something taboo.
  • Sleeping scandalously late. Lately my time has been consumed with new relationships, but I still have this drive inside me to take my Saturday and just blow it off the map with sleep. It's like I've taken some Hibernol, and I just want to wake up on Sunday. There have even been some days where I stayed in bed entirely, moving only to pay for the pizza I ordered and to eliminate such pizza as I have eaten. I am the laziest sumbitch you'll ever meet.
  • Unmentionable behavior. The people who know about the behavior I'm not mentioning will know what I mean here. One person, who knows about this behavior but has not behaved in this way yet, should certainly look forward to it.
These are my guilty pleasures. There are others, but I can't think of them right now. If this list doesn't scare my wife right the hell away from me, I'll be the first to be surprised. After she's surprised that she isn't running, anyway.
Posted by Anonymous at 6/23/2006 11:57:00 PM ::

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