Friday, June 23, 2006
Guilty Pleasures (A Fairly Comprehensive List)
I'm not feeling very hip and author-y right now, so I will simply regale you with a list of the pleasures I indulge in somewhat guiltily:- The Hardee's Monster Burger. Dear gods, did ~75,000 calories ever taste this good? There's something about biting into one of these things that hits that little spot in the hindbrain that never evolved from a stalking predator and tickles it until it sprays mayonnaise all over the back of your throat. I may have taken that a little too far, but it's true. Also, 4 out of 5 doctors recommend this burger to patients with atherosclerosis!
- Pornography. I'll gleefully admit that I download pornosmut from the Intertron, but I sometimes feel ashamed to admit that at one time I had 37 GB of lovingly indexed non-professional pornography straight from alt.binaries.nospam.amateur.female and alt.binaries.fetish.mexican.amputees.on.motorcycles.eating.ice.cream.yum.yum.yum.
- Farting. This is more than a little embarassing, but there is a solemn pride to be had in the ability to change the pressure in your office and make your co-workers flee for the door, faces twisted in agony and bile rising in their throats. Use your power wisely, Superman.
- Q-Tipping. I'm only ashamed about this because I love it so. fucking. much. Some people will be reading this and nodding their heads, saying, "Damn right! That's a hell of a good feeling when you have clean ear canals!" The rest of you (okay, probably everybody on this planet but me) are saying, "You total retard."
- (Very) Mild Voyeurism. My upstairs neighbor occasionally takes matters into her own hands during the day. If I happen to be working from home and she does so, I'll go sit in the bedroom and listen. I don't have to be "firing off some knuckle children" at the same time; it's enough to know that I'm doing something taboo.
- Sleeping scandalously late. Lately my time has been consumed with new relationships, but I still have this drive inside me to take my Saturday and just blow it off the map with sleep. It's like I've taken some Hibernol, and I just want to wake up on Sunday. There have even been some days where I stayed in bed entirely, moving only to pay for the pizza I ordered and to eliminate such pizza as I have eaten. I am the laziest sumbitch you'll ever meet.
- Unmentionable behavior. The people who know about the behavior I'm not mentioning will know what I mean here. One person, who knows about this behavior but has not behaved in this way yet, should certainly look forward to it.
Post a Comment