Saturday, June 24, 2006
Unsafe Water
We were three days outside of Hong Kong when the pirates hit. We'd been kind of expecting it, since we ship raw MP3s (they don't spoil as quickly as AACs, and they're normally pretty docile if you keep them well-fed), so we took precautions: we added an extra four days to our journey by staying outside the normal shipping lanes, we made sure that everyone knew that our MP3s were primarily species slowmusica folkrockus, which don't fetch much on the secret MP3 black market. Hell, we even hired a decoy ship full of hiphoppeli eminemi to precede us by a few days so that the pirates would have something to steal.

None of this worked, though. We saw sails on the horizon and tried to kedge-haul a few extra knots out of the wind, but our deep draft was no match for their shallow little clippers. Before we knew it, we had grapnels on the taffrails, and skinny, acne-ridden pirates leaping somewhat gawkily onto the deck. My crew had all dealt with these pirates before, so we held pistols and cutlasses at the ready, waiting to see if we'd get through this with nothing more than an empty hold or if they decided to slit throats.

A creaking sound and a sudden list to the ship told me their captain had come aboard. I turned to face him, and realized that he was new. Pushing 400 pounds like their previous captain, this one had a neckbeard that spoke of real authority.

"Be you the master of this vessel?" He looked me in the eye and waddled imposingly towards me.

"I am."

"Ha! I totally pwn3d j00, n00b!" I'm not sure how I heard the numbers in his voice, but I did. While he gloated and attempted to dance, my hand started to slip to the hilt of my blade, but the click of a flintlock next to my head made me stay my hand. I knew that more trouble was coming, but I had no idea how bad it would be.

The pirate captain, wheezing and red-faced from his failed try at capering, stepped closer to me and I could smell Doritos and sweat. "Tell me, lad, are you familiar with the term...'prison gay'?"


Three hours later they sailed on, but I knew I would never view MP3 piracy the same way.

Remember, kids: stealing music hurts honest sailors trying to ship MP3s!
Don't steal music! Unless it's really good or you don't have the money or you just don't want to pay for it.

Posted by rightshu at 6/24/2006 02:55:00 PM ::


Blogger Jess said...
Saturday, June 24, 2006 3:21:00 PM  

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