Thursday, January 27, 2005
How Cockroaches Will Outlive Us
The Danger: Global warming
The Adaptation: After years of living behind refrigerators, cockroaches will develop the ability to suck out the coolant via osmosis, thus allowing them to roam the tropical rain forests of New York in comfort.
The Danger: Republicans
The Adaptation: Cockroaches will develop the ability to cause wedge-shaped protruberances to issue forth from their anuses. These wedge issues will allow them to pry apart coalitions of their enemies, so that they can win the Electoral College.
The Danger: Blogs
The Adaptation: Natural selection will give cockroaches inflexible flaps covering their front appendages that will prevent them from spending 8-12 hours a day sitting in front of a computer in their pajamas writing out their opinions on reality TV and Social Security reform.
The Danger: Cholesterol
The Adaptation: I Can't Believe It's Not Detritus!
The Danger: Overexposure, followed by the inevitable backlash
The Adaptation: Cockroaches will avoid the career arc of Conor Oberst.
The Danger: Getting "Borked"
The Adaptation: Cockroaches will evolve the ability to not be nominated to the Supreme Court, or alternatively to not be crazy, misanthropic social Darwinists.
The Danger: The Rapture
The Adaptation: There'll be cockroaches in Heaven. You honestly think there's anyplace they can't get into?
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